Life with the Wife

My wife Sue is my partner in life and in my business, and we get on pretty well. Here are a few 'wife' jokes with no offence intended.

Twenty years ago I called my wife "Dream boat". Now I call her "Ship Wreck"

My wife dresses to kill. She also cooks the same way.

I can read my wife like a book - Trouble is, I can't shut her up like one

My wife went to the beauty parlour and got a mud pack. 

For two days she looked nice, then  the  mud  fell  off

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection and a little tenderness? It means you've come home to the wrong house.

When asked the secret of my long marriage, I tell them "we take time to go to a restaurant twice a week for a candle lit dinner, soft music and some dancing - She goes Tuesdays and I go Fridays"

When my wife was born they threw away the mould. I wish they'd kept the mould and thrown her away.

My wife wanted to have her face lifted. They couldn't do that but for £100 they'd lower her body.

I haven't spoken to my wife in three weeks - I don't like to interrupt.

Once my wife avoided being bitten by a shark - she opened her mouth first.

Lionel: "I got a set of golf clubs for my wife last week?" George: "Oh, Lionel, what a bargain"

George: 'I couldn't believe it when they told me you were in hospital, why, only last night I saw you whooping it up in a dance hall with a gorgeous woman.'
Hank: 'Yeah .. so did my wife.'