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Animals are Funny Things

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Harry had married his elderly, ugly wife only for her money. He found plenty of ways to spend it ... like a safari trek through the African jungle.
When a huge alligator slipped out of the marshes, grabbed his wife between its teeth and started to pull her away, Harry didn't move a muscle.
'Quick, shoot it,' screamed his unfortunate wife.
Harry shrugged, 'I'd love to dear, but I haven't any film in my camera.'
A man took a cat and a dog to a theatrical agent and promptly got the dog to start dancing. The agent was most impressed and offered £500 a week for the act. The man waved his hand and said 'you've only seen half the act.' With that, the cat started to sing while the dog continued dancing.
'That's brilliant said the agent, that act must be worth £1,000 per week, maybe more.'
'Just one problem,' the man said rather guiltily, 'it's a bit of a cheat - the cat can't sing, the dog's a ventruliquist.'
George paid £1,000 for a talking cat and delightedly took it home. First thing he did was to invite all his friends round to observe this strange phenomenon. His friends immediately offered him 10 to 1 that the cat couldn't say a single word.
'Right - I'll show you,' said George proudly and commanded the cat to talk. The stupid animal stayed dumb, and wouldn't say a word. George's friends left the house laughing their heads off. Soon after they'd gone, George turned to the cat in disgust.
'Why wouldn't you speak, you stupid animal?' he screamed.
The cat grinned at him,
'Stupid yourself,' it said, 'Next week you'll get odds of at least 100 to 1 and then we can both clean up.'
An elephant strolled into a pub and ordered a gin and tonic. The barman looked at him in some surprise before serving the drink and charging him six pounds.
'You know, we don't get many elephants drinking in this pub,' said the barman by way of conversation.
'I'm not surprised,' said the elephant, 'your prices are too high,'
A fishing young fellow called Fisher
Was fishing for fish in a fissure.
A fish with a grin
Pulled poor Fisher in,
Now they're fishing the fissure for Fisher.
A tourist had picked up a gorilla as a souvenir during a holday in Africa. He was a little concerned about getting through Customs, so he slapped a thick slice of bread on each ear of the gorilla and marched along to the Customs official.
The customs man went all through his suitcases and baggage and finally pointed to the gorilla.
'What's that?' he asked.
The tourist became very angry. 'Look here,' he said, 'I don't mind you going through my suitcases, but what I choose to put in my sandwiches is none of your business,'
A white horse went into a bar and ordered a pint of beer. The barman tried to be patronizing and said 'I'd have thought you'd want a whisky - I've got one named after you.'
'What, Eric?' replied the horse.
There was a glamorous mink who was asked by her rich boy-friend what she would like for her birthday present. She asked for a chorus-girl coat.
A dear old lady went into an ironmonger's shop and asked for a thimble to be filled with bright red paint. 'What's it for?' asked the shopkeeper.
'My son bought me a green parrot and I don't like the colour, so I'm going to paint it red.' the old lady replied.
'You can't paint a parrot,' said the shopkeeper, 'you'll kill it.'
'Nonsense,' said the old lady and stalked off.
A few weeks later, the shopkeeper bumped into the old lady in the street and asked how the parrot was. 'Oh! it's dead.' she replied.
'I told you the paint would kill it.' he said.
'Nothing to do with the paint,' the old lady said, 'I think I overdid the stripping with the blowlamp.'
A motorist ran over a rooster as he drove past the farm. He felt very concerned about it, so he stopped and knocked at the door. The farmer's wife answered it.
"Excuse me,' said the motorist, 'but I feel pretty bad about killing your rooster and I'd like to replace it for you.'
'Just as you wish,' said the farmer's wife, 'you'll find the hen-house just round behind the haystack.'
A stranded skier had been laying in the snow for five days before a St Bernard rescue dog strolled up to him.
'What sort of rescue dog are you.' cried the skier angrily. 'You take five days to reach me and you stroll casually up as though there was no hurry at all?'
The dog looked at him with glassy eyes, an empty barrel dangling from its neck.
'I've a confession to make,' it hiccupped, 'I drink too much.'