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Features Section

Feature 1 - THE TWO RONNIES

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THE TWO RONNIES television show featured two of England's best loved comics - Ronnie Corbett and Ronnie Barker. Their shows which started in the early 1970's are thankfully still being rerun today. Here are a few of the gags from their 'news items'.
8,000 cases of imported fruit were stolen from Liverpool docks today. A Police spokesman said "it would have taken a gang of dock thieves at least 4 hours." A spokesman for the dockers said "What they do in their tea break is none of our concern"
Sir Wilbury Chintz, the famous upholstery expert who yesterday fell into a fabric loom, is said to be almost completely recovered.
And in the English Channel, a ship carrying red paint has collided with a ship carrying purple paint. It is believed that both crews have been marooned
There was an unhappy moment at Kings Cross Station tonight when a Scottish football fan lost all his luggage moments after stepping off the train. The cork came out.
Sir Hartley Fawcett, crackshot big game hunter, famous for his slogan "shoot 'em right between the eyes!" was eaten late last night by two one-eyed tigers walking arm in arm.
A pickpocket who was chased out of Battersea Funfair took refuge today in the Post Office Tower. Police immediately threw a ring round it - and the Postmaster General gave them a goldfish.
The Longest ever swearing-in of a witness ended in the High Court this afternoon after 6 days when the witness, Bert Osby, held the card in his left hand and read the bible.
Police are clamping down on dealers who make fortunes selling stolen cars which have been cut in half and welded to other vehicles, said Superintendent Hackett from the wheel of his E-type combine harvester today.
A vicar who rode his bicycle the wrong way up the M6 was asked in court how on earth he managed to avoid an accident. He replied "God was with me." He was further charged with riding two on a bike.
And at the last civil case heard today, a man complained of the noise made by the amorous couple in the flat above him. Each evening they'd sing 'The Red Flag', eat their supper, have fun on the sofa and take a naughty bath together.

So every night it was hammer and sickle, cheese and pickle, slap and tickle and bubble and squeak.
At the Old Bailey today, Jim Spraggs, the world's greatest confidence trickster sentenced the Judge to five years hard labour.
In a very serious case in the High Court, an 18 year old secretary from the Foreign Office confessed that she had disgraced herself at an Embassy reception by entertaining a Russian spy on the bedroom carpet, the Mayor of Helsinki in the garbage can, a Chinese attache in the washbasin, a Prussian officer in the fuel receptacle and an African Chief in the downstairs toilet. Summing up, the Judge said she had a Red under the bed, a Finn in the bin, a Chink in the sink, a Junker in the bunker and a Swazi in the Khasi.
A husband claimed that his wife's mother kept shouting at him that he was driving too fast along the M1. To make matters worse, she swore at him while he was untying her from the roof-rack
Madame Fifi Dubonnet, a former Picasso model, claimed that her husband had severely assaulted her - he'd given her three black eyes.
And the West Drayton man who kept himself awake every night for seventeen years by snoring, has at last found the answer. He's going to sleep in another room.
Mr George Thrakes, the building Contractor who was jailed last year for supplying millions of poundsworth of defective building materials to the Government, escaped from prison today when the front fell off.
The Queen and members of the Royal family mingled informally with the crowd outside Buckingham Palace today when the balcony collapsed.
Meanwhile, Catholic Missionaries in Matabeleland are reporting progress with a tribe of cannibals. They're not completely cured but there is considerable improvement. On Fridays they only eat fishermen.
George Rumford, the Neasden United striker who committed a vicious foul in Saturday's televised game , was today awarded a six match suspension - two for the offence and four for the action replay.
In the International relay event at the White City today, the Irish 4 by 400 metres team built up a commanding lead before handing the baton to the Russian team.
And reports that athletes indulge in too much sex before meetings was hotly denied by sprinter Wellesley Blunt. He went on to win the 100 metres in a time of two hours thirty-seven minutes.
At Crystal Palace this evening, Neville Stitch broke his own world record in the 800 metres. He was so pleased he went on to try the high hurdles, but thinking they were low hurdles, he shattered his personal best.
And Jack Duggan, the National Hunt jockey was in court today, charged with seducing a young lady at Bechers Brook. He asked for 26 other fences to be taken into consideration.
And tonight's tug-of-war between England and France may have to be cancelled if nobody can find a rope twenty-six miles long.
Mr Arthur Perkins, the man who this week won £5 million on the National lottery has announced that he will never work another day in his life. So he'll be keeping his job at British Rail.
Seamus O'Reilly, the great Irish forger, explained today how he was able to take a fifty pence piece and file off the corners so accurately that he could pass it off as a ten penny piece.
And Police report that of the two rabbits stolen last week from a pet shop in Finchley, only fourteen have been recovered.
And Professor Johnson from Imperial College will present his new theory about what happens when a body is immersed in warm water - the phone rings.
And here's lovely poem from a colour-blind poet:
Roses are red,
Violets are brown,
The sky is bright yellow,
And so are bluetits.
And tonight we'll be meeting the man who crossed a great dane with a bicycle pump to produce a dog that really puts the wind up the postmen.
And the very unlucky man who crossed an enormous pear tree with a pair of blue tits ... and got an enormous pair of blue trees
Later we'll meet the man from Colchester who managed to combine a retriever and a tortoise. It goes down to the shops and comes back with last week's paper.
And the interior decorator who crossed an elephant with an axminster rug and got a thick pile on his carpet.
And we'll talk to the man who actually crossed a table tennis ball with an extremely tall chamber pot and got a ping-pong piddle-high poe.
In a Government report published today, it was stated that half the population can't write, half the population can't read, and the other two-thirds can't add up.
In Uganda, the President was asked what he was going to do about tightening up defence. He replied "De fence? De man wid de nails am comin to fix it"
And a Beautiful Swedish girl who'd gone swimming in the nude was rescued today by the crew of a Scottish trawler. To save her embarrassment, they covered her with an old macintosh. 65 year-old Angus Macintosh said "it's made an old man very happy"
Mr Oswald Grove, Britain's worst ever postman, who claims he was wrongfully dismissed by the GPO, today delivered a petition to the Queen - at 15 Station Road, Scunthorpe.
And British Rail today announced that the price of coffee is to go up by 20p a slice
And news has just come in that a female streaker disturbed patrons at the Albert Hall today. Luckily, she was caught by the bouncers and ejected.
And it appears that in Barnet this evening, a mad dog bit an income tax inspector. After being given injections and treatment for shock, the dog was allowed to go home.
We've just heard that Fred Stoatly, the world's most superstitious motorist, known for his lucky horse-shoe dangling in his rear window, the sprig of heather on his wipers, the St Christopher on his dashboard and the four rabbit's feet in his glove compartment - was run over by thirteen steamrollers.
In Dublin, it's just been announced that the Irish Doomsday book is in fact a forgery. This was the conclusion after a six-month study by typewriting experts.
And panic broke out at Hampton Court Maze this afternoon when a party of Irish trippers couldn't find their way in.
Later we'll be talking to Herbert Grudge who has tattooed the whole of his body with old masters. He has a Botticelli on his chest, a Constable under each arm, a Watteau down the back, a Whistler up the front - and the inscrutable smile of the Mona Lisa becomes a broad grin whenever he sits down.
And Joe "Butterfingers" Kelly, the world's worst goalkeeper who last week let in his 100th goal this season, was last night presented with a special award for his achievement. Unfortunately it slipped through his fingers and went crashing to the floor
Then we'll be having a word with the song and dance man who yesterday put on a happy face, buttoned up his overcoat, pulled on his fancy pants and zippered his doodah.
The Irish Agricultural Scientists have just announced a revolutional insecticide. It kills all the crops so the insects starve to death.
And a research team went on to investigate the social habits of Mr and Mrs Average. Unfortunately, My Average had slipped down to Brighton with Mrs Well-Above-Average
And we've just heard the sensational news from London Zoo. Chi-Chi the male panda, who's developed a passion for music, has mated with the Head Keeper's harmonium. Experts fear this may lead to pandemonium.
In a Birmingham factory this afternoon, a man lost two fingers in an accident. He didn't notice the loss however, until he was saying good night to the foreman.
And in a Maternity Hospital the wife of a well known ventriloquist has just given birth to a nine pound gouncing gagy goy.
Meanwhile, reports are coming in of a freak tidal wave in Birmingham, mountain avalanches in the Penines, six foot snow drifts in Norfolk and a thirty-two stone bather jumping into the sea at Blackpool.
And now the weather: Tomorrow will be seventy degrees - twenty in the morning, thirty at midday, and twenty in the evening.
And finally, at the National Sheep-Dog Trials this afternoon, twenty five dogs were found guilty.
So it's goodbye from me, and it's goodbye from him.
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